What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:26
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
How do you get a teenage boy to care about hygiene?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was seconnd youngest,
Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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So whats the point in blame.
Who then, do I blame.?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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I couldn’t, believe it.
I said to her
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She wouldn,t have been !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I will be 64.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i lived it daily.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It was going to be , some day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I write beautiful poetry .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I think the readers, may guess!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Comes on , in middle age.
Put me off passion for life!!
He knew the spot.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was in good health!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She married twice! .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was scared of men, in general
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My life is so biszare .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But ive been too sick for many years..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im still living with it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I don,t even have a pension.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!